024: Taking Ownership Of Your Time
In this episode of BOSS™ Talk I am joined on the mic by April Nowlin, Certified Breakthrough Life Coach, and we talk about how time ownership has impacted our lives as business women and mothers.
Time is one of the most valuable resources that we as entrepreneurs have. So why then, are we so quick to misuse it?
For the women who wear so many hats, the thought of taking time for yourself may be steeped in guilt. As mothers, wives, girlfriends, business owners, 9-to-5 professionals, friends, and all the other roles we fill in our lives, we may feel like we always need to dedicate our time to something “productive” or reserve it for others over focusing on ourselves.
As a business owner of a thriving divorce recovery coaching practice, director of marketing and operations for a local nonprofit here in Arizona, and a single mother to a busy school-age athlete, my bestie, April Nowlin, knows firsthand just how challenging it can be to build “me” time into a busy schedule. She joined me for BOSS™ Talk to share some of her self-care practices as well as provide tips for how to overcome the guilt to start prioritizing yourself like you would the other important things in your life.
Below is the full transcript of the show.
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Prioritizing Me Time with April Nowlin
00:30 – La’Vista
Welcome to another episode of BOSS™ Talk. I am your host, La'Vista Jones, and today I am joined by my guest, April Nowlin, my bestie in the whole wide world. Welcome to the show, finally.
April
Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here, finally. Although I remember I was one of the early guests for BOSS™ Talk when it was in person. And so, it's exciting to be talking to you again.
La’Vista
Yes, yes, this new iteration, right. And so, like, what April was talking about is when I started BOSS™ Talk back in 2018, it actually was an in-person event that I would do on a monthly basis here in Arizona. We would have an entrepreneur come sit down interview-style, very similar to the podcast, talking about business. And we would have a crowd that was there with us, right, a live audience. And, you know, it's interesting, because for a long time, people would tell me like, ‘Oh, you know, it's like a podcast, just in front of an audience.’ And I'm like, ‘Oh, no, no, no. It is a networking event.’
01:43 – La’Vista
Oh, okay. And then it’s like somebody else is like, ‘Yeah, it's like a podcast in front of a live audience.’ And I'm like, ‘No, no, no, no. See, you're mistaken, because it's a networking event.’ And then when COVID hit, then it was like, well, I have an opportunity to pivot. And it was like, well, maybe this is a podcast. And there you go.
02:06 – April
So here we are. I can't believe it was 2018. It literally feels like it was a year or two ago, so that's crazy. Congrats, though, for holding it down for this long with BOSS™ Talk.
La’Vista
Thank you. Thank you. It's been an interesting journey, for sure. And just kind of seeing how things have evolved and how it's grown and how it was, you know, just how things have changed but still kind of stayed the same. And yeah, it's been a good journey.
02:34 – La’Vista
So, for those of you that don't know my bestie – and shame on you – let me introduce you to her a bit more. So, April is passionate about helping women love their life after divorce. April knows from personal experience how tough and disorienting ending a marriage can be. As a three-time divorcee, she has weathered the storms of transition and learned the techniques and strategies to thrive after a divorce.
April is a Certified Life Breakthrough Coach who specializes in divorce recovery. She's an aspiring author, a podcast host herself, a speaker, and a workshop leader who combines relatable storytelling, humor, and authenticity for women who want to crush the barriers to their success in life. April resides here in Arizona with her amazing daughter. That authenticity part, it made me sound like I can't read.
April
That's okay. That's alright. It's a big word. You better be happy I spelled it right.
03:42 – La’Vista
Authenticity, oh my gosh. Like I think Aiden would read that word better than I just did just now.
April Nowlin on Being a BOSS
03:48 – La’Vista
So, you know, I don't know that we were doing this when we sat together and did your BOSS™ Talk live interview so many years ago, right. So now on the podcast, one of the things that I ask each of the guests to do is to actually share how they define being a boss. And I totally want to hear your answer to this question. How do you define being a boss, April?
April
So, I would define being a boss as making choices that benefit my life, right? So, I think that the word “boss” many times has this negative connotation, right? In corporate, you're like, ‘Oh, that's just my boss. That's just my boss.’ And then we get into entrepreneurship, and we're like, ‘I'm gonna be my own boss.’ And sometimes that turns out to be terrible if you don't have the right tools and techniques.
And so, I think about being a boss as, like, a positive. It means that I have the freedom to choose my path. I have the freedom to choose what makes me happy. And so, when I think about being a boss, it's giving yourself permission to live, to set boundaries,
05:00 – April
to do what makes you happy and to have that freedom to do those things. So that's what I feel like being a boss really is.
Balancing The Many Roles In Life
La’Vista
I love it. I love it. And you seem so happy sharing that boss definition. You might just be listening instead of watching along, but she's got, like, this big, bright smile on her face. And I love it.
So, you know because you are very closely associated with BOSS™ Talk, that “boss,” for me, is an acronym that stands for Battling Overwhelm with Systems and Self-care. And with that, during each of the shows that we have, I get the pleasure of having candid conversations with other bosses like you that have faced and battled moments of overwhelm in their businesses and their lives, specifically by leveraging systems and self-care. So, with that, April, are you ready to share how you are walking out your BOSS™ Talk?
April
I am willing and ready. Yeah.
La’Vista
Let's do it. So, today, you know, I think there's a ton of things that we could get on the mic and talk about amongst ourselves. But today, we're going to talk about one of the most valuable and yet often misused assets that we have – and that's our time. So, you know, we touched on it briefly in your bio that you’re a mama, right, to an amazingly talented and busy athlete. So, just kind of note that. You are besties with one of the most demanding bosses in the game, yours truly.
06:33 – La’Vista
You are currently interviewing for a future bae.
April
Yes, I am.
La’Vista
And on top of that, you are growing a business and holding down a full-time gig. So, you are busy, right? So, talk to us just briefly about what does a typical day even look like for you, incorporating all of those things and all those roles that you play, all those hats you wear? What does a day look like for you?
April
Yeah, so before I can answer that, I have to share a little bit about my personality. So, I was that kid that always put things in their place, right. So, you know, my toys had bins and, you know, my bed –which I never make, so that's funny enough. Never make my bed. I'm a true believer that if you're going to get back in it, what's the point. But I was that kid that put things in their place. And that's the way I run my life.
So, I grew up in a military family. I grew up with a lot of structure. Although I was the out-of-the-box kid. So, I didn't like the structure; don't tell me what to do. But as I got older, I realized that that structure had its place. And so, a typical day for me is, I wake up before my child, because as we all know, once kids are up, it is like life starts and your me time is gone. And so, one of the things that I learned from my best friend, is the importance of having me time. And so, I wake up an hour to an hour and a half before she does, and sometimes I just lay there. I had a supervisor years ago who told me about the first 15 minutes of your day. She's like, instead of just hopping out of bed, like, lay there for 15 minutes. And that has proven to be very helpful for me because it gives me an opportunity to actually wake up and take in the day.
So, I'm usually up before she is. Then we are getting dressed. So, I have to wake her up two to four times for her to actually be out of the bed. So, some of you guys understand exactly what I'm going through.
La’Vista
Hey, don't shame my niece.
April
I'm just saying, right. I wake her up, she rolls over. So, we go through this thing. We're getting ready. One of the things that I intentionally do is we have breakfast together almost every morning. And so, that is before she's heading off to school, I'm heading off to work or into my office, depending upon what the day is. But we have breakfast together. I go through my day.
So, one of the things that I do at the beginning of my workday is I do not check my emails first. And I know you all are like, ‘Whaaaat?! I open up my email as soon as I get there.’ I don't. I check to see what my day looks like. And so that is what meetings do I have, what's on my to-do list, things like that. Throughout my day, I schedule breaks. And I know y'all like, ‘You've scheduled what?’ I schedule breaks. If I'm at home, I schedule naps.
And then, when we come home at the end of the day, one of the things that we do is we separate. We have our own time. So, I've been a single parent and a married parent off and on for my daughter’s 14 years. But one of the things that I taught her when she was young, because I knew she was going to be an only child, was the importance of spending time by yourself.
09:39 – April
And so, when we come home, we have our alone time. She goes her way; I go my way. We may have dinner together, spend a little time together, and then we do our nighttime activities. So, that's what my day looks like, just collectively. We may dig into some finer points. But at the end of the day, I make sure my day is somewhat
10:00 – April
scheduled. So that may look like: this is when we get up. This is when I take a nap. This is when we come home, you know. So, I do try to schedule out my day.
La’Vista
That's so interesting, right? Just kind of like listening to some of the things that, like, you go through like, there are some things I'm like, ‘Oh, I do something similar to that.’ Like you were talking about in the morning, you might just lay there for, like, the first 15 minutes and just kind of, you know, get your bearings about you. Something that I've noticed that I've been doing the past like several months – and I don't even know exactly why I started doing it, but I get such, like, childlike kind of amusement by doing it – is I wake up in the morning, and I lay there in the bed for like a few minutes, and I just wiggle my toes in the sheets. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know when or really why it started. But it's just like, ‘Oh, like I'm awake now. And I'm wiggling my toes. I'm wiggling my toes.’ And it's just like this fun little thing that I do. And then I get up and usually get dressed and head to the to the gym.
One of the other things that you said that was like, ‘oh!’ it was the checking the calendar. Like, I don't check my email first thing in the morning, either. Because I have a very set start time for work, right. And I think that we'll kind of get into that later on in the conversation. So, it's like, anything that's going on can wait ‘til then, and I'm not really inviting any of that into my day until that particular part of my day starts. But you mentioned one of your first things to do is look at your calendar and kind of see how the day is gonna lay out. That's like the last thing I do before I go to bed. So, like my phone, I check it. I pull up my calendar for the next day, and I'm like, ‘Okay, I've got this meeting. I've got this interview. I've got this.’ I'm just like, okay. So, it's like, I go to sleep knowing what the next day is.
April
Got it. Yeah, I do something similar, but I do it at the end of my workday. I try not to do it before I go to sleep. Because what I found with me is, if I do it right before I go to sleep, then I'm thinking about those meetings. And so yeah, I try to do it at the end of my day, though, so I'm prepared for the next day. So yeah.
La’Vista
You know, for me, it's a motivator, I think, to know that, like, I've got to get up when my alarm goes off, so that I can get dressed, out of the house at a certain time, get to the gym, do what I'm gonna do, get back and shower, because I know I've got these things that are going to be part of my day. And so, it's just like, ‘Okay, I'm looking at this. This is just verifying that in the morning, I gotta get my shit together.’
April
And like you, I'm sure you don't keep the exact same schedule every day, depending upon what day it is. So, three days a week, I go to the gym in the morning. My half hour in the morning is mine. So that may be like you said, wiggling my toes. I may listen to a sermon. I may, you know, pray. I may do just other things to get my day started. But like you, every day may not look exactly the same, but there's some structure to it.
Owning Your Time
La’Vista
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So, I want to talk to you about this concept of owning your time, right? Like, listening to you kind of just lay out, like, this is what a typical day looks like for me, it, you know, like you said, there are going to be things are going to be different, different nuances, different things that happen throughout the day, but overall, it seems like your day has a pretty steady, structured flow, right? So, I want to know, when we talk about this concept of owning your time, what does that mean to you?
13:37 – April
Yeah, so I really didn't take responsibility or ownership for my time until probably 2019. And that is when I went through my third divorce and literally almost lost my mind because of everything happening with that, everyone that needed something from me at that time and was literally sucking up the time in my life, right. And so, in that moment, I thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute. What am I giving away to someone but not getting back?’ And it's time. And so, I had worked with someone years ago, who told me about something called a time budget. And so, you know, we are so quick to budget our money – at least, I hope y'all are budgeting your money.
14:29 – April
But, you know, we can always get more money, we can't get more time.
And so, I realized that all of that pull on me, of meetings and schedules and being here and being there and saying yes to everything, was affecting my mental health. And time…my time was the one thing that I could control in that situation. I couldn't control the divorce. I couldn't control my emotions at that time. I could not control, necessarily, my financial state at that time. There were so many things that were out of that
15:00 – April
control. But I knew the one thing I could control was my time. And when I took ownership of my time, it allowed me to free up space for some of the other priorities in my life, and then things started to shift. And so, that's what I think about when I think about owning your time, that it is your responsibility. And it is your responsibility how much of it you give away – because you're not going to get it back – what you use it for. And so, when I think about owning my time, I think about that season and that shift that I had to make to take responsibility of my time.
La’Vista
Yeah. So, for another woman that might be listening, right, and just kind of relating, like, ‘Yeah, I'm busy like April. I've got this going on. I've got that going on. I've got children. I've got a business. I've got this. I've got that.’
The Importance of Boundaries
15:49 – La’Vista
Why do you think it's important, especially we as women that wear all of the various hats we all typically do, why do you think it's important for us to own our time, to take a grasp at that concept of owning our time?
16:04 – April
Yeah, the short answer is, ain't nobody else gonna do it.
16:10 – April
So, your kids are not going to come to you and be like, ‘You know what, Mom. I know that we play eight sports, but we want you to get more rest.’ That's not gonna happen. So, when I was thinking about the concept of owning my time, the word that came to mind was boundaries.
16:26 – April
And I love Dr. Henry Cloud, if you guys are a fan. Like, I love his work. And the way that he describes boundaries is, it's a property line, right? So, it is managing the property of your life. It is being able to take control. It's being able to have freedom. It's being able to be responsible for that. And so, I think it's important for us to do that, because when we take ownership of something, then we are more apt to steward it wisely, right.
So, when I am able to take ownership of my time, I'm thinking through how things are going to affect me versus someone else that's giving me a schedule. And so, I think it's important that we do that, because it gives us, I believe, self-confidence. It adds to our self-worth. It adds to how we value ourselves.
Because think about it: if I'm telling you that my time is valuable to me, what I'm saying is that I'm valuable to me. And if you are constantly overriding the boundaries that I've set for my time, that's telling me I'm not valuable to you. And so that value, I believe, has to start within ourselves. And part of that is owning our time.
La’Vista
Now, I love that you associate boundaries, right, with owning your time and stewarding it well. Why do you think that we struggle with this so much?
April
So, I think there's a million and one answers to that question, right?
La’Vista
Condense it for us, because I have, you know, so much time on the show.
18:06 – April
So, reason 998,000. I think that we're struggling… a big part of it is, we are ingrained to be responsible, right. To be responsible, I think, for not just ourselves, but for others. For women, and I am not – let me say this clear, I am not that huge, like, women's roles and men's roles. That's not what I'm saying. But I believe that as women, we are wired with a level of nurturing ability. And so, we are wired to take care of, whether that's taking care of our family, taking care of our job, our children. We're wired to take care of. And so, I think that it's inherently ingrained in us to take responsibility for those things.
And so, many times also when we get into relationships, and our titles change – mom, wife, girlfriend, baby mama, whatever that title is – is we now have a new thing that we have to nurture. And so, in that nurturing, we now take that responsibility on, and even some of us from upbringing. So, I don't know what type of home you grew up in. And I didn't grow up in one that had very strict traditional roles, but there were just some things that like, ‘Oh, mom takes care of this. Dad takes care of that.’ Right. And so, we become responsible almost for everyone else's life. And I think that's a big way that we end up in that situation.
La’Vista
Yeah, I think that I would agree with you 100%, right. Like we are wired to be that person that, you know, in whatever situation we're in that like, ‘Okay, I'll take care of it. Yes, I'll take care of it. I can do it. I can handle this. I can take this on.’ And if strong boundaries aren't in place, like, you'll just, like, keep taking on and keep taking on and keep taking on, and eventually your entire day and your week and your month.
20:00 – La’Vista
and your year and your life belongs to everybody else around you, and there's no time there for yourself, right?
Leveraging Automation
20:09 – La’Vista
So, this concept, right, of taking care of. You know, we're both business owners, and so, you know, we both have a role of taking care of the business entity, right? So, you know I am big on leveraging automation to do the heavy lifting in your business as much as possible. And so, I'd love to hear if you have an example, right – putting on your boss hat of all the hats that you wear – of when you leverage automation in your own business to save time. And then, like, how did you use that time differently once you were able to kind of save it and reallocate it to do something else?
April
Yeah, so I have the benefit of having a tech background. So, when I was in corporate, I worked for several tech startups. And so, I got to see the benefits of automation and using technology during that time. But it wasn't ‘til I started my own business that I had to actually put this in place.
And so, one of my favorite automations that I use, is when you are scheduling or purchasing with me. And so, for example, if you purchase a coaching session, you will have to purchase the session, you will need to provide me with some information, there's a contract that you sign, and then you'll need to get on my schedule, right, to do your first session. Well, the joy is that, if you purchase with me, you can do all of those things without requesting anything of me. And so, not only is it saving you time, but it's saving me time. So, you purchase. You get a nice little email; it's got all of your links in it. You fill them out, and you get on my calendar, and we meet.
And so, one of the experiences I had years and years and years ago, when I was planning – I think this was an event – and I was working with someone and needed to do similar things, so, pay, sign a contract…it took like four days. Four days for us to, you know, figure out what we're doing and sign a contract and get a date on the calendar, and good lord. And so, for those of you who don't use automation, you may understand that concept now. Like, it may take three days to get a meeting with someone.
And so, once I put that in place, first of all, it allowed me to provide a consistent level of customer service. So, we forget about that with automation. So, your welcome email stays the same; no one gets something different or weird. I'm not worried about using the wrong link. So, there's a level of customer service in there that's built in.
But for me, when I got that time back, I realized like wait, I was actually spending a couple hours trying to get your contract written. Did you get your form? So, when you think about it in your budget – remember, we've got a time budget here – when I thought about that my budget, I said, ‘Well, what can I be doing with that time?’ I can use that time to write. I mean, think about what you can do with two hours. I can use that time to write. I can use that time to meet. I mean, if I do you know, 60-minute sessions, that's two more sessions. So now, not only is automation saving me time; it's allowing me to make more money. And so yeah, that's one of the big ones, is the sales process, is simply providing sales and customer service to someone that is on a consistent basis.
La’Vista
Yeah, I was going to say, I think that that is part of the key is that consistency, right? So, like, in the book, The BOSS™ Shift, like, I write about automating your grind and reclaiming your time, right. And one of the things that we go through is, like, this exercise of, you know, just like what you talked about, like, here's an example in my business that, without automation, maybe, you know, took, like, an hour, or like, the example that you gave with, like, the other person you were working with, four days to actually execute
23:54 – La’Vista
and do, right. And like you said, it's, like, customer service impact, you know. You're not consistent; you don't necessarily look as professional and polished and put together as you could, right? And so, it's identifying what are those things that, you know, you’re kind of wasting time on. And then giving it value, right, to even identify what is, like, it actually costing you not to be efficient, you know, with the way that you use your time?
And so, it's a really interesting, eye-opening kind of exercise that I take people through. And usually by the time you get to the end of it, you're like, ‘Okay, so how do I do this? And how do I get this off of my plate? And how do I start leveraging this?’ Because you're like, ‘Oh, I don't have the time to waste to this now that I actually see it in black and white.’ And especially those of us that are business owners, when you see how it's connected to money, you’re like, ‘I also don't have the revenue to leave on the table because I'm over here busy doing something else that is actually wasting my time.’ Yeah so, thanks so much for sharing that example. Because I think that, like, onboarding, that kind of stuff is totally one of those things that if you are a business owner
25:00 – La’Vista
you should not be doing. Not in a manual capacity anyway. So, you know, you talked a little bit about some of these things early on, right.
Non-Negotiable Habits to Protect Your Time
25:13 – La’Vista
And, you know, there's some of like the, the non-negotiables, right, that you do to protect your time. So,
25:20 – La’Vista
you know, I have, like, a standing date with myself, right, between dropping my son off at school, or now that it's summer, like, summer camp and work. So, similar to you, I get up before my son gets up. I get up before anybody in the house, actually, gets up, because that's part of, like, that time that I need as an introvert. The way that I'm wired, I need to not have anybody talking to me or touching me or “mommying” me or any of that.
25:45 – La’Vista
Or asking me for, like, a fruit snack or something like that. Like, I just need to be by myself, and that doesn't really happen often when you're sharing a home with other people.
So, I get up earlier than my family does as well. And by the time I get home from the gym, everybody's awake. Like, the house is awake, coffee is brewing, and just, like, everything is, like, in full swing by the time I walk back in the door. And so, I'm getting him ready or getting him off to, like, wherever he needs to go, school, camp, whatever it is.
When I come back, I don't immediately just go into my office and just like go, like, you know, feet running, you know, hitting the ground or whatever. I have a block on my calendar that literally says, “Me Time.” And so, it's an indicator for my team, like, don't schedule any meetings for clients or you, right?
26:38 – La’Vista
Okay, if there's something pressing that we need to talk about, we can talk about it like during, like, regular business hours, not during this block of time. And you know, I use that time however I want. It changes, like, day-to-day. Like, sometimes I'll come home after dropping him off. And I'll, like, sit down and, like, turn on Netflix and, like, binge something for, like, you know, that 45 minutes. Or I might just sit in the living room while, like, the light’s off and just enjoy another moment of quiet. I might grab a cup of coffee. I might go treat myself to a smoothie during that time, or whatever the case may be. But the point is, the time is mine. It's just for me to take care of whatever need I have going on in that moment.
And then when nine o'clock comes around, I come upstairs, I turn on my computer, right, I light my work candle, and I start my workday. So, I'd love to know, April, if there are non-negotiables like that that you have in place that protect your time on a daily basis.
April
Oh, absolutely.
La’Vista
Do share. Share with us.
April
So, similar to you, I have times, but they may be throughout the day. So, I've got my morning. Like you, I get up before my daughter because the house is quiet. And that, once again, is before, you know, we're off and running, and the rollercoaster is starting. And so, depending upon my weekday – so like La’Vista said, I do own a business that is profitable, yes. But then I also am the director of marketing and operations for a local nonprofit here. And so, that can be a very demanding job, because I have a full team. And I am blessed that I can do both. And so, I have days where I go into the office. I have days where I work from home.
But on all of those days, a few things that I do is I carve out what I call “prep time” or “whitespace.” And what that is, similar to La’Vista, I put time on my calendar that no one can block out. You can't invade that time with a meeting. And if you ask me if I'm available: no, I'm not. And some people may say, ‘Well, you are available. You don't have anything.’ But I do. I have me on the calendar. I have me on the calendar. And one of the things that I learned is that I treat myself the way I would treat a client or the way I would treat a colleague. If I told them we were meeting at three o'clock, I'm going to show up on time. So, if I tell myself I'm napping at 2:30 to 2:47, I'm gonna show up on time. And that's real, though. Look, I need like a 37- to 43-minute nap.
La’Vista
Is that like scientific? What is that?
April
I don't know. It's what happens to my body. But what I do, kid you not, right?
29:27 – April
On my work from home days, I have a nap on my calendar. Typically from 2:30 to 3:30, I nap. Any of my friends know, like, don't call during my nap. Don't do it, because I'm not going to answer. But I have naptime. And I may not physically nap during those times, but I know my, what I call, my creative cycle. I'm creative in the morning. So, by one o'clock my brain’s like, ‘Girl, look. Just do some, like, data entry.’ And so, by 2:30, my brain is ready for a nice little break. And so, I schedule that. And then the days I'm in
30:00 – April
the office, like I said, I have my prep times. And that’s usually an hour and a half every day that I block out, whether it's a morning or afternoon, where you can't schedule time with me. And so once again, you know, I treat my calendar, my time with myself, just as much as I prioritize time with a client or time with a colleague.
Prioritizing Yourself as You Would Others
La’Vista
Yeah, yeah, I love that. And I think it's so crucial. And I think it makes such a huge difference when you put yourself on your calendar. But the key is prioritizing it the way that you would with anybody else, right? And so, when I'm doing, like, self-care coaching with a client, I feel like that is the cornerstone to making that work. You know, if it's time on your calendar, if it's a self-care date, if it's going out and doing this, it's like, if it's scheduled, like, keep that time with yourself, keep that date with yourself, because you wouldn't break that date with a spouse or with your best friend or with whoever. So, like, why break that date with yourself? It's got to be just as important as anybody else having time on your calendar.
April
And you know, when you said that, it made me think about something that sometimes, particularly as women, we feel guilty about that time, taking time to ourselves. And I still have those moments where I'll have that whitespace, and I'll think, ‘Well, I could answer an email, I could do all this.’ And I stopped and I asked myself, ‘Why do you feel that way? What is making you feel guilty about taking time for yourself?’ And I tried to address whatever that may be.
And so, if you are one of those women who are, like, before 2019 for me… in 2019, I had a friend who would call me. I took a vacation, and she would call me every day and be like, ‘What are you doing? And I'm like, ‘Well, I'm sitting on the couch, but…’ And she's like, ‘But what?’ She's like, ‘Just stay on the couch.’ And it was really difficult for me to sit on the couch and do nothing, because it had been ingrained in me that I'm supposed to be doing something all the time. But once again, where did that come from?
And so, we have to address those feelings when they come up. And literally ask yourself, why do you feel guilty right now? If your kids are taken care of, your business, your job, you know, all these different things are taken care of, why do we feel guilty? And be able to answer that question.
La’Vista
Yes, yeah. It reminds me of this quote, and I don't know if I'm gonna do it justice. But it basically is, you know, work is important. Rest is important. Do both, and neglect neither. You know, our rest, that time that we have that downtime for ourselves like that, it's so important. It's so important. But that guilt that you were talking about, it's also such a real hurdle that so many of us deal with, and it keeps us from actually giving ourselves exactly what it is that we need. Because I think it ties into, you know, that conversation of, like, I don't want to feel selfish. And you and I have had this conversation.
You know, my point of view around self-care as a whole, especially when I hear clients use that as an excuse, like, ‘Oh, I don't want to feel selfish.’ or ‘I don't want to be selfish.’ It's like, well, you know, self-care is selfish, because it is the care of yourself. Like, you literally are the center of why that is happening. And it's okay. And it's okay to use your time and your energy and your resources to take care of yourself.
And I think that the caveat there is, we're not doing it so that, you know, I gotta do this; I can show up for my kids better. I got to do this; I can show up for my clients better. I got to do this so I can show up for my spouse better. It is you are taking care of yourself because you need to be okay. Period. Now doing that and doing it on a regular basis – and just like we were talking about, the systems with your business – doing it consistently, doing it with intention, doing it purposefully. The byproduct? Yeah, you're gonna show up as a better mom; you're gonna show up as a better spouse; you're gonna show up as a better coworker. But that's not the reason that we focus on taking care of ourselves. We take care of ourselves because we're just worth it.
April
Yeah, I love it. Because we're worth it.
La’Vista
We're worth it. And it goes back to what you said earlier. It's, I know my value. And I know I am worth taking care of.
34:19 – La’Vista
Even if nobody else sees it or agrees. That's not my problem. I know my value.
April
Yeah. So good.
Parting Advice
La’Vista
It is. So so so good. So,
34:32 – La’Vista
in closing, right? What advice would you give to a listener right now that is struggling to own her time, especially, you know, one that might be dealing with, like, what we were just talking about, like, ‘Yeah, I hear what you're saying, but, like, my kids need me, or my spouse needs me, or my job needs me.’ And it's, like, ‘Taking that time for myself just feels too selfish,’ right? Like, what advice would you leave for that person?
35:00 – April
I'm actually going to quote my best friend.
35:03 – April
We had a discussion about self-care a few months back in preparing for a Divorce Remix event that I do annually. And you said something that I repeat now to my clients at times. And you said that we prioritize things that are important to us. Okay. And so, I would relate that to owning your time by saying, ‘How important are you to you?’
35:40 – April
If you are that important, you will prioritize owning your time. Now, let me say this. You might need help owning your time. You might need a La’Vista. If you are a woman who is struggling after divorce, you may need to talk to me about how.
Now, wanting to own your time is one thing. Accomplishing that is another thing. And I am a proponent of asking for help and doing the work, okay. So, if you're that woman that's saying, ‘I want all this, but…’ So, your but is going to have to stop at ‘I want all this.’ And then you're going to have to ask yourself, what is it going to take to get it. So, just because we're saying, you need to do this; we're not saying that it's going to be easy, especially if you're a woman who wears many hats. You are a mother. You may be like myself, a mom, you might be a wife, you may work out of the home, you may have a business, you may do all of it. And so, it may take setting boundaries in all those areas. It may take having conversations with your family, with your coworkers. So, it may take, you know some work to get there. But what we're saying is that you can do it.
And so once again, if you believe that you're important, then making that time for yourself will be a priority. And if you don't know how to do it on your own, ask for help. Get the tools you need to make yourself a priority.
Extending Yourself Grace Is An Ever-Evolving Process
La’Vista
Yep. Yeah. And one of the things I love…you know that I love everything that you said. The only thing I think I would add to is extend yourself some grace while you're doing it. Because I think so often, especially the idea of self-care, we think of it as like this absolute thing that like once I do it,
37:38 – La’Vista
like that's it, right? Like, I am good at self-care, right? It's an every single day process that you work out every single day. It’s always evolving, because you as a person, you're changing. Like the things that nurtured me and took care of me in my 20s, aren't the same things that nurture and take care of me now that I'm in my glorious 40s. And so, your self-care has to evolve. You have to be gentle with yourself. You have to treat yourself with self-compassion. And you're not going to get it right every day. And that's okay. But you don't get to stop, right, because you're frustrated, or you're, you know, discouraged, because it's an ever evolving, ongoing process every single day. So, give yourself some grace. And like I said, if you need some help, if you're struggling, if you need some ideas, whatever the case may be, reach out and ask for help. And you've got two resources that are here willing and waiting for you.
So, my dear best friend in the whole wide world, thank you so much for being my guest today and just sharing so openly about your journey with owning your time and just giving us some really great tips and, you know, examples of the things that you do. But before we sign off, you know, how can those that are listening connect with you? And, you know, take advantage of some of the resources that you have available?
April
Yeah, absolutely. So firstly, La’Vista, thank you so much for having me again. You know, I'm spoiled, guys. I get the pleasure of hearing from this wonderful, amazing woman all the time. But it's always great to be able to share a platform with her. I love it. So, thank you again.
So, if you guys are needing support in the area of divorce recovery coaching – so this is someone who, you might be actively divorcing, you might be recently divorced, you may have been divorced for 10 years but you're like, ‘April, you know what? I'm still struggling in some areas.’ – you guys can connect with me in a couple different places. So, you can find me almost anywhere on the internet by my name: April Nowlin. So, you can go to aprilnowlin.com. You can find me on Facebook as April Nowlin and then Instagram as theaprilnowlin as well as LinkedIn. And so, connect with me. Like I said,
40:00 – April
you know, it's easy to say, or I feel like, it's easy to make the choice that I want to do something different, but walking the road, sometimes we need some help. And so, I'm here to help you ladies who may be in that position.
La’Vista
Yes, helping them walk out their own BOSS™ Talk, right? So, for those of you that are listening, make sure that you check out the show notes at therealbosstalk.com for the tips and the resources that were mentioned on today's show. And I am confident that something discussed resonated with you and is challenging you to make the shift to do what you love, without sacrificing yourself to do it. So, until next time, be sure to subscribe to the show and continue to battle overwhelm with systems and self-care and walk out your BOSS™ Talk.
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